It’s been a few days since I posted last. I’m still going strong, tomorrow will be day 13 of being clean. I haven’t really had anything to write about aside from bitching about wanting to go grab a fifth of vodka and getting shitfaced. There’s definitely been a couple days where I thought to myself, “Just go get a pint, you’ve made it this far, you’ve done good and you can do it again.”. I’ve said that to myself dozens of times over the last couple of years, and it’s hard to not think “whats one more time?”. But I’m happy that I’m starting to realize that I have used up all my “one more times”.
In my last post I toted about how nice it was to wake up and not be hungover. It was really weird the way that I would be excited at night while going to bed thinking about the way I was going to wake up and be productive, then I would wake up and be super happy to be awake and productive. I’m fucking over it now. I usually wake up between 2:30 to 3 in the morning, and I strongly feel like if I woke up later I would be more happy and productive. I have a quirky smirk on my face because I know I’m lying, as long as I’m waking up to go to work I will hate it.
My job is a weird situation. I used to tell myself that I needed to quit drinking during the week so I could do better at work. I wasn’t lying to myself, being hungover at work was real bad, and I sometimes had a shitty attitude that reflected my hangover. I’m starting to realize now though, work is part of what drove me to want to drink almost daily. The weird thing is it’s not that stressful. I mean it can be, but I just don’t let the stressful shit get to me for the most part.
It’s incompetent, stupid, arrogant fucking people that I deal with day to day. It’s hard for me to admit that I actually let the actions or words of other people actually get to me in a way that stresses me out to the point that I want to have a drink. Perhaps it’s just an excuse that I’m telling myself currently because I want to have a drink. Or maybe I’m just deeply unhappy with where I’m at in life career wise, or lack thereof.
Today I was talking to a person about how I hadn’t had a cigarette or a drink for 12 days now. “Are you an alcoholic?”, he asked me with a smug look on his face. “Yeah man, it was getting pretty bad, I was shitfaced almost every night of the week.” I replied back with an nervous feeling about even talking about this at work, “Were you while you were at work?”, “No? You’re not an alcoholic then”. Smug old grumpy fuck. I guess that’s what I get for bringing at work.
Oddly enough when I was drinking all the time I was able to tune out peoples shitty attitude, and in a way get a person to get out of their own bullshit. I’m not sure if it’s me being irritable while dealing with my own issues, or if it was easier to deal with other peoples shit because I was typically fucked up. Either way I’ve been fairly stand offish at work and around people for the past two weeks.
I feel like on one hand I should apologize now for being a dick to people while I figure out who sober Ryan is. On the other hand fuck them, if they can’t accept me while I find myself and pull myself out of this hole I’ve been digging they aren’t worth it. I do hope that I will get back to being my cheerful self. I know I will eventually, it just might take for me to move on to something better before that happens though.
Posted in: Journey