Another day in the books. Last night went by fairly easy too. I received a lot of love from friends and family. I even had somebody tell me that my post helped them out working through some of their own issues. I thought it was nice that my perspective was able to help out another person, knowing that helps me out more too. Sharing the post publicly was a scary thing to do, but over all I’m glad I did. I think people tend to forget that they have an enormous help system out there in friends and family, and end up feeling like they are alone with no one to talk to.
Every day I wake up I feel better than the day before. Waking up NOT hungover feels incredible. Especially after waking up 4 or 5 days out of the week drunk and hungover. Full nights of sleep are pretty awesome too, hell of a lot better than waking up every hour and a half dying of thirst. I would get the worst hangovers. At first it wouldn’t be that bad, probably because I was still actually buzzed when i woke up. But the buzz would inevitably fade away, a head ache would set in, nausea would take over, and I could literally feel it in my knees when I stood up and walked around.
It’s kind of hard for me to believe that I’ve held on to my job for as long as I’ve held on to it. Going into a warehouse buzzed climbing on a clamp truck and moving around appliances all day is kind of a stupid thing to do. I would spend a lot of time in the bathrooms, or just hanging out in isles. I still managed to do my job pretty good though, top performer, great attitude, and always willing to do whatever was thrown at me.
I was bit surprised when I moved up and got into load planning. Even more shocked when I got a key to the building and an alarm code. There I was with this huge responsibility of opening a warehouse, preparing the work load of the day for the entire staff, and communicating with other companies in a professional capacity. I’m not going to get into everything my job entails. I will say this though, when I fuck up at work it fucks up a lot of other peoples day, and of I don’t show up to work there might not be work for people to do when they come in to work.
With all the extra responsibility and this burden of knowing what happens if I don’t show up to work, I figured I would definitely get my shit together. I told my self that I couldn’t drink during the week anymore because I had to be laser focused in the morning. I figured that since I needed to be at work at 3 in the morning I would have to go to sleep early, and as a result I wouldn’t drink on nights that I had to work the next day. HA! All this did was make drink earlier in the day.
I’ve been the worse version of my self for so long and still have managed to do pretty decent at work, and have made it seem like I’ve been doing pretty decent with my personal life over all. I got pretty good at lying to myself and others about how happy I was and how things were going. Looking back I wish I was different. I thought that the perception that I was happy would reflect to reality. All it did was shut people out to my true feelings, and then piss me off that nobody cared about what I was going through.
That perception of happiness, or the visualization of success is one of the biggest scams ever sold to people. I’ve envisioned myself as a millionaire for years. Where the fuck are my millions? I envisioned myself not drinking anymore, having a better life, treating my kids better, and being happier in general. It never worked, if anything it made my problems and my bitterness far worse than it was to begin with. I envisioned all these things, set my expectations high, and when theses didn’t happen I got more angry and stressed. Anger and stressed just sent me right back to the liquor store to repeat my endless loop shit that I had been doing.
It’s probably my fault really. Shit obviously doesn’t just happen like that. I didn’t really expect to wake up one day and have a million dollars in my bank account. But I did somewhat expect to just be happy and healthy. Yes, without putting forth any effort into making my life better.
Lately though, I have been putting forth actual work to make my life better. I quit smoking, I kind of started eating right, and I quit drinking to get healthier. July 2nd of this year, I officially became a college student. The thought of college terrified me for a long time. I always had some type of excuse as to why I had never went. They varied from not being able to afford it, to not having time. One of my favorite excuses was, “College is just waste of money and I have a perfectly good job as it is.”. Well that was a lie. I don’t hate my job, but I fucking hate my job. No matter what the excuse was I believe it always boiled down to me being afraid to try, out of fear of failure.
As it would turn out, I’m pretty decent at school. I’ve gotten straight A’s in all my classes. I even got on the Deans list for the summer quarter, and I’m on track to being on it for the fall term as well. I guess I’m pretty excited to see the version of myself that I become without drinking. If I could get as far as I’ve gotten at work back then, how far can I go now? How’s it good will it feel to actually be happy and healthy instead of pretending? One things for sure, I’m not just visualizing the success anymore. The next time I’m seen and I put off a vibe of being happy, healthy, and successful it wont be a deception.
Posted in: Journey